HUMAN MATTERS: Forgiveness powerful force in forging close relationships - Living

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Oct. 19, 2008
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal

HUMAN MATTERS: Forgiveness powerful force in forging close relationships

STEVEN KALAS
Human Matters
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She's my girl. She arrives on Thursday, and ends up spending the long weekend at my house. Being a gentleman, I offer her my bed. My 6-year-old offers her his bed. Ooh, a little rivalry here?

I respect her. I enjoy her. I love her. She makes me laugh. She "gets" me. I admire her. She's beautiful. She is and will always be somewhere in the top three most important and powerful women in my life.

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My children thrive in her company. She respects them, treats them like people. She bakes chocolate chip cookies for them. She goes trout fishing with them, and baits her own hook! She camps. She does yard work. (You gotta love a girl who knows when to eschew makeup and get dirty!) She plays Crazy Eights with my 6-year-old.

She's a romantic. She loves poetry, and digs Rod McKuen. I can't remember the last time I met a woman who even knew who Rod McKuen was.

Her personality has layers. She's really intelligent, but also imaginative, and other times just plain silly. She knows when to be classy, when to be professional, and when to be bawdy, edgy and outrageous. She knows when and how to laugh at dirty jokes. And when and how to tell them.

She's one of the most courageous women I've ever known. She seeks adventure. She's the sort who listens to the restless voices and visions within. Once she quit a job in Boston, got in her car and headed west, dropping off resumes at every stop along the way. Her car stopped where she found the job she wanted -- East Bay San Franscisco.

She hurt me once. Deeply. Injured my very soul. Took me a long time to realize how seriously I was hurt, and longer still to admit it to myself, to others, and eventually to her.

Her love for me has shaped me. Her betrayal of me shaped me.

All significant relationships have ups and downs. Conflicts. If you're going to have lasting bonds with human beings -- lovers, friends, mates, spouses, your parents, your children, extended family -- then get this in your head: The human being with whom you'll nurture this lasting bond is a sinner. So are you. Said more simply, amongst the many things you'll do in a lifetime is hurt each other. Probably more than once.

If lasting bonds are what you seek, then you'll have to have a way to navigate these injuries, to address them, reconcile them, and ultimately to forgive them.

So, how do we decide whether to do the work of reconciliation? Or when to just let the pain lie unattended? Or when to withdraw, even to terminate a relationship?

Here's my own personal Reconciling Formula ...

It begins with the paradox of self-respect. On the one hand, I respect myself for doing the work of reconciliation when someone has hurt me. On the other hand, I (finally!) respect myself enough to set real limits with people who can't/won't/don't stop hurting me.

Next is my desire, my energy for the work. That question is answered by the time, the history and the amount of investment I have in the relationship -- what I think of its potential.

But the last criterion is huge. I make an assessment regarding the other person's ability and willingness to tell the truth. To look at themselves. Because, while you can probably forge a kind of peace with anyone, reconciliation is another matter. It's impossible to reconcile with someone who can't look at themselves. Who won't tell the truth.

I respect nothing in a person more than the uncommon courage of the willingness to look within. To tell the truth.

Which is why I respect this woman staying at my house. Which is why we're not estranged, why we're not merely still together, but thriving.

It's why the betrayal is, today, actually a part of our cherished bond. Part of the strength of our love. That healed wound in me/us is part of how I recognize her.

Forgiving her is one of the most beautiful things I have ever done. A gift to myself. But I couldn't have done it if she wasn't one of the most beautiful women I have ever known.

You get that I'm not talking about her looks, right?

She left early on Monday morning while I was still asleep. But she left a note:

"I love you! Thank you." -- Mom.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.

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Please enter your name Name: Please enter your email Email: Please enter a comment COMMENTS : (word count limit is 300) You have reached the maximum number of words allowed Current Word Count: Note: Comments made by reporters and editors of the Las Vegas Review-Journal are presented with a yellow background. Rosemary Swartz wrote on December 16, 2009 02:38 PM: Just a note to let you know how much I look forward to your weekly columns. You just seem to cut to the core of issues which most of us have, and your writing is excellent. Thanks so much!!! BB wrote on September 20, 2009 03:41 PM: It surprises me that in your Sunday Sept. 20th column (instincts)that with all of your wisdom and knowledge that you can't explain or decided not to delve further into, why more women than men bury their heads to what they see and hear as it regards love relationships with wolves. Here is the scenario; The genius, the forte and the art that these wolves possess is the ability to talk and act in an exact way that touches her on such a deep level that she is inclined to believe this is her soul-mate and that this connection is unique and rare.Explaining that no matter what she sees and hears she bases reality on what she is feeling and it is very strong. Then there are the women who attract these wolves: as you say someone who is inherently good, naive or not firmly grounded in self-respect is great prey for these wolves. We are not taught that the dark side of love can be possessive, obsessive, controlling and manipulative.As little girls we hear about Prince Charming and wait to be rescued with no defense. I will look forward to your input on this subject in a future column. Ann Turner wrote on June 07, 2009 09:08 PM: Thank you so much for your column in the 6/7/09 edition of the RJ. It has been a mystery to me why my husband, soon to be ex, has been unaffected by what I and other family members say. He is charming and adorable to those outside the family, but to those of us in the family it has been a nightmare. Over the years, he has held himself up as a "mench". Highly critical of others and does not hestitate to say how he feels without regard to the hurt his words create. This from a man who has hardly worked a day in his life and took over the family busines, only to use it as his owned expense account. To say the least, the store failed and he took what little profits there were -screwing his sister out of ther rightful inheritance - and sank them into a failed restaurant in New Mexico. The family and I can't change him, and, now, I know why. It is such a relief to be free of the sense of responsibility that says that "may be if I approached issues differently or used other words, there would be an awakening. Anger and frustration aimed at him just don't register. He is an emotional "armidillo". Now, I know that whatever has been said or done to him, he'll just never "get it". It's been a blessing to know with what I'm dealing. His yelling at me to give him more money in the divorce in the name of doing "the right thing" just isn't going to work. If you need a case study, this will be your "textbook" scenario. Kathy Lee wrote on February 06, 2009 01:45 PM: This article saved my sanity. At our 50th wedding anniversary party a long time, younger, beautiful friend of mine whispered in my husband's ear "I think of you a lot". Yes, men in their late 60s submit to flattery. At least this one did. An emotional affair began. I found out by cell phone bill - why are they calling each other sometimes several times a day. He said she called him to help with a project at her house and the relationship began. I know her well enough to know she has seduced men but a fiend's husband? After ending the relationship with a letter from both of us and him working daily to assure me he loves me and wants to stay in our marraige. I trust that but was sure pieces of the puzzle were missing. This article was perfect. I asked him to read the article and then asked him to be honest with me about how this started and he admitted she did whisper in his ear on the congratulatory hug and in conversation commented that she had some projects that needed to be done at her house. Several months later he called her to ask if she had something he could do for her. A betrayal by both friend and husband is beyond hurtful and haunts me daily (6 months later) but at least not every moment. denise villaret wrote on January 30, 2009 11:38 AM: I emailed you recently regarding the quality of your writing and advice. I now find myself in a position to ask for some insight or advice on a relationship I'm in. Must I write you a letter or can I just email it to you? Thank you. Denise Villaret AFM wrote on November 13, 2008 07:36 PM: Thank you! Thank you! for your response to "MF" unfortunately she fits the initials. Excuse my point of view I'm normally not someone who speaks that way, I know because my kids tease me that I can't swear. I have a grandchild going through the same thing. I find a lot of the mothers' have this same attitude "what about me" "Poor me" They don't like me" with total disregard to the child’s well being. I'm a grandmother and hats off to the fathers that get so involved with their kids. I feel a lot of times the kids would be better off with the dads it seems they aren't out seeking companionship as strongly as the mothers so their time can be more selfless and focused Grand job you did. Best regards AFM Larry Wood wrote on October 20, 2008 09:08 AM: Steven, You really had me going. Knowing you, I knew that the punch line was coming and it took every bit of will power to keep from skipping to the bottom line. I am still laughing. Great job, I plan to read it to our congregation next Mother's Day. God's peace, Larry one who knows wrote on October 19, 2008 05:03 PM: Steven Kalas... this lil' story just made my day!! Your writings are always delightfully eloquent! Thank you! An avid reader!