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Jul. 07, 2008
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DOUG ELFMAN: 'Idol' peddles pablum parading as music

DOUG ELFMAN
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American Idol" winner David Cook smiles after singing at the annual Wal-Mart Stores Inc. shareholder's meeting June 6 in Fayetteville, Ark.

"American Idol" winner David Cook stood there on stage, trying to look cool with his big guitar and a scarf hanging by his belt.

And as fans screamed, Cook opened his rock-guy beard mouth to eke out his first horrible song, which they loved: a cover of Lionel Richie's "Hello."

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    • If you don't remember this simpering pop ballad, it meekly goes, "Hello? Is it me you're looking for?"

    When it came out in 1984, everyone with decent taste laughed big hearty laughs of humor-horror at how it gave sentimentality a bad name.

    But here "Hello" is again.

    After being satirized as an insipid joke for two decades, it has been rescued with earnest bluster by the big reality-show star of 2008. And 7,000 people at the Thomas & Mack Center on Saturday -- mostly teens, preteens, parents and grandparents -- thought it was super duper.

    That's what "Idol" has done to this world. For seven seasons now, the sex-and-violence-free "family" show of our time has been informing and compromising kids' tastes in music, TV and concerts by forcing them to embrace ye ancient music of yesteryear. Much of that music is great, but more of it is truly, vilely heinous.

    "Idol" runner-up David Archuleta, fresh-faced and 17, was super sweet and sung well on Saturday, but he covered even sappier songs. None was worse than his faithful rendition of Josh Groban's "When You Say You Love Me," which putridly goes, "Like the echoes of our souls are meeting, you say those words and my heart stops beating."

    Yeah, when your "heart stops beating." That's when you want to listen to this song, when your casket is being lowered into the ground, because that's when you'll be dead, and then you won't be able to hear it.

    Another performer sang the 69-year-old "Over the Rainbow," and a teenage girl in the aisle yelled, "That's my song!"

    There weren't many women in their 20s and 30s at the show, but a woman who could pass for her 20s was out at the smoking section during intermission, with her husband and their dancing, finger-snapping 2-year-old son.

    "You love 'American Idol,'" the mom told her boy as she bent over in high heels, a checkered miniskirt and a purse covered in lipstick-kiss images. "Say, 'David Cook.' That's who Mommy's waiting for. David's hawt!"

    Then she said they'd go back in the arena as soon as Mommy finished her cigarette.

    Ladies and little ladies were everywhere. At one point, I counted 50 girls and women who appeared to be their moms in line to buy T-shirts and junk. I counted three men in that line.

    It's frustrating that "Idol" singers waste good voices resurrecting the past. Cook is a fine mimic. But he didn't sound fresh with Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" in his mouth, and he certainly couldn't match Dave Grohl's growl while covering Foo Fighters' "My Hero."

    Curly blonde Brooke White injected some good taste with Feist's "1234," and I bet she'll be solid if she ends up using her interesting voice to do original songs in the alt-pop style of Feist or conversely in the aching twang style of Iris DeMent.

    Tattooed Carly Smithson can belt classic rock, and she made a huge sound with Heart's tough "Crazy on You." But only Jason Castro, the guy with the dreadlocks and John Travolta eyes, successfully interpreted a hit, Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy," with any challenging dedication to rearranging a song's structure and feeling.

    Castro's rare individuality defined the depressing status quo of "Idol." Sure, it's a crowd-pleaser. I heard another mother tell her daughter afterward that Archuleta gave her the "chills."

    But if you're interested in the human race moving forward, "Idol" and this tour lets you down by breathing new life into gramophone and jukebox songs in the age of the iPod. It's like when vampires suck blood out of children so they can live forever. It's exactly like that.

    Doug Elfman's column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 383-0391 or e-mail him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.

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    Stuart wrote on August 22, 2008 03:23 PM: Ditto Darlene. Castro's awesome but I'm also a fan of Cook. I really like the guy and his voice. Archuleta's a really decent kid too.


    Darlene wrote on July 26, 2008 12:18 PM: This article is not worth reading. Doug Elfman, whoever he is, is pathetic. His stupid points of view can be endlessly challenged but who cares that much.

    I did enjoy the comments and was glad to see many people agree with me about Jason Castro who was the reason I watched AI this season. Then I also became a fan of David Cook.

    He is fantastic and will be a huge star. Millions of people love his voice. Perhaps some of the criticisms are valid, but we are still listening and will buy his records because we really enjoy it.

    Being ultra-cool about one's taste in music is obnoxious.


    intermission wrote on July 21, 2008 05:12 PM: JCas = That unique, instantly recognisable charismatic voice, musical style, personality, attitude....everything about him is beyond awesome.
    Archuleta = Possesses a musical maturity beyond his age. I like him and his pure voice a lot. His personality is very genuine & endearing too-like JC's.
    Cook = I like his personality & voice [& that hearty laugh] Not keen on his tour set :P
    Carly = She's very sexy without intending to be. She's v cool. Is often pitchy but does have a fab voice.
    Brooke = Quirky, adorable, heartfelt performer with a lovely tone.
    Eze = underrated vocalist & performer but perhaps that's because he's not v. unique? He's a good guy.
    MJ = good vocalist, a bit too cheesy for me though.


    Faye wrote on July 21, 2008 04:49 PM: Lol. This was very amusing. I like your refreshingly honest and humorous take on the tour Doug.


    GRUNGE_ROCK wrote on July 16, 2008 11:25 AM: Are there any grunge rock fans here? Look no more and ROCK ON!!
    If you wish to listen to David Cook's grunge rock music before American Idol, visit this link below

    http://youtube.com/view_play_list?p=1E5145007D498AA2

    and click PLAY ALL VIDEOS on the right side. Enjoy and GRUNGE away!


    DaughtryFan wrote on July 15, 2008 02:11 PM: Daughtry did not win AI and came in 4th place. That was plenty of doubt by the people of his abilities during that time if he didn't win AI. He only gained respect when he sold millions of records.


    Brea wrote on July 15, 2008 11:52 AM: Maybe Cook should not have auditioned for Idol. After all, how does one gain credibility going on a show like that-- especially in the world of rock? Though come to think of it, Daughtry has plenty of respect....no one really doubted him & he didn't act like a 'rocker' either, cussing & whatnot...so why are people doubting Cook? Makes me wonder. Perhaps the statement he made in Rolling Stone Magazine about how performing in theatre would be dream come true had something to do with that lol? I really don't know. I think his album will be good. I hope. The Idol winner's single is cheesier than the cheesiest cheese but Cook made it bearable. Give gim credit for that at least lol.


    William wrote on July 14, 2008 02:06 AM: American Idol is to music...

    what McDonalds is to food.


    Mikae wrote on July 13, 2008 02:57 PM: Anon:
    Cook was a typical bad boy rocker in the olden days like the Foo Fighters with all the cuss words.

    Listen to David Cook here at
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=fNqTDQjAyRk

    AI or TPTB, of course will turn him into a clean "role model" idol which will make it look like he is a fake/wanna-be rocker well in fact he had been rockin it since he was a teen.

    Either way, his style will definitely not attract all people.


    anon wrote on July 13, 2008 11:57 AM: Jealousy;
    I never stated I wasn't a Cook fan did I? I really like his voice and personality which is why I actually care about his onstage persona. I wouldn't be 'cruel' to be kind if I didn't care either way would I? I am just unbiased.

    FBand;
    I've heard Cook's original material already and I dislike it. Musically & lyrically. Sorry. BUT I was rational & said I will wait for his upcoming album before I officially dismiss him because he may have grown as an artist since then. I WANT to see hear a difference because I WANT to like his music. As for the stage thing, if his album blows me away, I will look past that.

    Mikae;
    Just like you have the right to voice your opinion, I do too. I don't have a particular 'style'. I love rock, I love folk, I love jazz, classic ballads, country, soul, RnB, indie, reggae...I could go on & on & on.


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