1. Russell Crowe: "Rude."

2. Tommy Lee Jones: "Beyond rude. ... And he thinks he has such a good education. A snob. You want to say: 'Darling, we've all been to good schools. Calm down.' He went to Yale -- biiig deal. Didn't we all?"

3. Jerry Lewis: "Uh! Blockbuster rude. Bad boy. Bad man. ... I was sitting at a dinner party last night, and some woman -- who is an older actress -- was just saying, 'He treated you terribly and then he would try to sleep with you at the same time.' "

(I like Jerry. But that's me.)

I reminded Joan -- who performs at The Venetian Thursday through Saturday this week, then Sept. 3-5 -- that she forgot to list Mel Gibson, since I know she hated it when he screamed anti-Semitic slurs at cops a few years ago.

"Mel Gibson -- his bumper sticker is, 'My Other Car Is An Oven,'" she says.

Joan adds that she wishes she had some women to put on the all-time worst list. "I think women are bitchy. That's the difference. They'll smile at you and then kill you. The men just give it right at you."

What about stars with diva reputations, such as Oprah Winfrey and Barbra Streisand?

"Oprah's just very cold. Oprah -- if she don't need you, she don't know you."

"Streisand -- they say she's desperately shy. I think when you've got $600 million, take lessons on how not to be shy," Joan says. "If you've got $600 million, say hello to everybody. They gave it to you."

"The saddest one (celebrity) is poor Ryan O'Neal, because he can't find another woman who's gonna die in 30 days who has $30 million. He was trying so hard to marry her (Farrah Fawcett) at the end."

Plus, O'Neal got caught hitting on his daughter Tatum O'Neal, whom he didn't recognize, at Farrah's funeral.

"Which tells you how drunk he is, because she's not a looker," Joan says. "And he had already hit on Chastity Bono."

OK, so who are the best stars she has known? She lists nice celebs off the top of her head:

Sarah Jessica Parker; Julia Roberts; Nicole Kidman ("wonderful"); Leonardo DiCaprio ("adorable"); George Clooney ("cute sweetie pie"); Tom Hanks; Dustin Hoffman.

"The majority are just wonderful. We forget the good and remember the bad."

Partly, we focus on bad stars because they consume us with awfulness, such as Michael Jackson, the drug freak who allowed children in his bed.

I asked Joan what she thinks about all the Michael Jackson tributes.

"I think it's great. I can't wait for the Gaddafi ones to start as soon as he dies," Joan jokes, then explains:

"He was a wonderful performer, but I don't think you glorify a pedophile and a druggie. There are more drugs in his dead body than the Drexel store down the street."

(Officially, Michael was acquitted of pedophilia.)

"That's a devil," Joan says, "but they're gonna make millions off him."

MISS ICELAND BIG LV FAN

George Maloof just got back to Vegas from the Bahamas, where he was a judge for the Miss Universe pageant. It was, of course, "amazing."

On his agenda now that he's back: "I'll see if Miss Iceland wants to come to Las Vegas."

She was "a knockout."

Despite what you're thinking, the Palms owner offered Miss Iceland Ingibjorg Egilsdottir an invite to visit only after she told him she wants to come here.

"She actually wanted to come back today," Maloof told me Monday, "but I haven't had a chance to follow up on that."

I told Maloof the Palms needs a mascot. Maybe Miss Iceland could be his hotel's mascot. He likes the idea.

I think all the hotels need mascots. Holly Madison could be Planet Hollywood's mascot. Tara Reid could be Terrible Herbst's mascot. Huh, that's a fun game.

Anyway, Miss Venezuela won Miss Universe. Maloof is good with that, although his scorecard went:

1. Miss Australia Rachael Finch

2. Miss Venezuela Stefania Fernandez

3. Miss Dominican Republic Ada de la Cruz

The only weird thing: "When Miss Venezuela won ... she didn't cry, which was the most amazing thing of all. I thought it was just automatic that the person cries. But she had poise."

CORRECTION

In my Monday column, a friend of Jasmine Fiore incorrectly said Fiore once dealt cards at the Playboy Club. A N9NE Group rep says she once worked at the Palms' pool and bungalows.

E-mail him delfman@reviewjournal.com. The blog's at reviewjournal.com/elfman.